Rather Reflective

Ok so Tim and I got in a fight. Not a screaming one or anything like that. A you-sit-over-there-and-we-will-ignore-each-other fight.

Basically we had a long coversation on our last date night regarding things we could improve in our marriage. The one that Tim pointed out that he wanted me to work on was being full engaged and playing as a family. My problem is when Tim walks through the door a huge burden is lifted thinking I don’t have to have the full weight of responsibility of parenting Isaac. But what happens instead is I check out and let Tim take 95% of the responsibility. I usually get onto my computer to be honest and just numb out. So I did it again two nights ago. Tim was frustrated and I could feel the body language saying, “I am pissed.” So of course I talk to him to see if he is really angry or if it is in my mind by making silly small talk. Sure enough I feel the ice so I say, “Are you upset with me?” Tim responds with, “Yes but I don’t want to talk about it.” Immediatley I get defensive even though I knew why he was upset and I am justifying my behavior in my own head. So we numbed out and watch Prison Break in the same room but very much alone. And we broke the cardinal rule and went to bed angry. Next day (he is pretty predictable) I get an email from Tim talking about what happened and how he wants more for our family than what we have. He wants to make memories and play with Isaac together, laugh as a family, etc. So we talked it through and kissed and made up of course but it has caused me to be rather reflective.

I guess I am scared that I will wake up one day and Isaac will be 18 and his memories will include me on the computer, cooking dinner, cleaning house, doing laundry, being crafty, etc. but he won’t be able to name times when we played together. It is hard for me to get down and roll around on the floor with him and read his Elmo books for the millionth time, and throw the ball to him for hours on end. He wants to be near me every waking moment as most 18 months old do I suppose. But there our times I am so worn out that I just want to escape. I want to sit him in front of the TV and play Blues Clues for 8 hours and just check out. And I only have 1 child. I can’t imagine those who have 3 or 4. So my prayer is that God will establish healthy patterns in my parenting now and remove the unhealthy ones. I want to be the best mommy for Isaac. I want to reflect Christ to him. And right now rolling on the floor, playing with the ball, and reading his ELmo books a million times, hugging and kissing on him shows him just that. God give me strength.